Thoughts on the "in-between"
There’s this “in-between,” “becoming” space I see everyone talking about, so here are my thoughts while I’m still in it...
For the past few years I’ve felt like I’m in that in-between space everyone talks about. It’s a constant spiral I don’t notice until I look back at what I’ve accomplished over the past few months and realize there’s no common theme, unless the theme of my life right now is exploration. In which case, I’ve succeeded at that.
But I’m excited to actually become the person i’ve been becoming. I feel like i’m collecting failures like infinity stones, and everyone knows it. In actuality, people are congratulating me on trying, moving, and exploring, while internally I’m screaming at myself to pick a profession and run with it.
In the past 2ish years, I’ve launched a design studio that did fairly well. My highest paid project was around $23k, the most I made from one client was $30k. I let that go to explore other interests. I tried a couple other business models, and now I’m reflecting on what I’ve learned.
Looking back, my life has really been a series of pivots. I got a bachelors degree in marketing, realized I didn’t want to do that, and taught myself how to code instead. I really enjoyed it, so I got a job, and then left that for a better one in new york. I was climbing the corporate ladder!
As much as I wanted to grow in that space, I felt deeply disinclined to study all the programmer theory that a comp sci major would have studied, the things that seem to give you a competitive edge in big tech or to the new wave of ai startups. I’ve found interest in things like accessibility, performance, conversion, architecture, design systems, etc because I like learning things that are useful for the work I do, but I generally only go deep on the things I truly enjoy, and those are usually the things that directly contribute to making something beautiful. At my job, I was the CSS whiz, not the Leet code junkie.
I started taking contracting more seriously in my free time once my job became routine. A few years later we were acquired, and I was laid off. You’d think that would send me into some hyperdrive job hunt mode, but instead I doubled down on building a design agency. I landed a few big projects, and I genuinely loved the work, but realized that I hated working with clients, or at least working with them alone and juggling everything else by myself. I took steps to grow into what I thought an agency should be, but eventually became burnt out and let that dream go.
I started a few other companies with friends, none of which worked out, but all of them changed the trajectory of who I was becoming. It was like trying on different hats, realizing it doesn’t fit, and moving on to the next one. I attended a coding retreat where I met people who both intimidated and inspired me. That place pulled me further into my own curiosity, and it confirmed that I didn’t want to become a cracked programmer. I want to make art with code.
It’s funny how you can know exactly what you want to do, and exactly how to make it happen, and still your brain tricks you into following the more practical path. My body rejects anything I don’t want to do, and for the longest time I thought that meant I was lazy or unmotivated. If I sit down to learn something like shaders, I can go hours without coffee. But if I use that same energy to learn something just for the sake of getting a job, I’m immediately exhausted. I can’t read, my head hurts, my eyes ache, and I want to go outside and get away from my computer.
Is that weird? Am I the only person who experiences this? I take it as a sign.
Sometimes I feel like I need to speak to a therapist to understand why i’m allergic to climbing a corporate ladder. As much as it would be a dream to work somewhere prestigious and make big bucks, I can’t imagine working a job that doesn’t let me make pretty things all day, and continue to expand my creativity.
So yeah, about the in-between space. I see everyone on Instagram talking about it, and how to get out of it. “If you download my workbook.” “If you join my mailing list.” “If you subscribe to my Substack.” “75 Hard” No.
If you follow your curiosity. If you move with intention. If you decide to pursue the life you want and risk the life you think is safe, you get to where you want to be.
If you release the fear of failure, let go of being afraid to post, or whatever it is. If you tell people what you want, if you join or build community and find people who want similar things, you’ll be fine. That’s what I’m choosing to believe and hold onto as I navigate out of this space. Of course you still have to work hard, but you can work hard on the things that you think will move your needle and bring you closer to the opportunities you want.
And to really name the thing, I want my life to look like me building things I love, solving creative problems, maybe building bespoke microsites and dreamy e-commerce experiences for huge brands. I’d love to work through an agency, somewhere that seems super fun like basement studio, or noomo. I’d love to build a website for Beyonce. I have to work remote, or at least in a new country. I desperately want to move out of the US, but I’m afraid to bounce around the world before I’ve figured out this gap.
Right now, I’m studying all things creative coding, because that’s something difficult that I really want to be good at. I’m building a shopify theme to submit to the theme store because it’s something I’ve always wanted to do, yet always put off for more practical goals. I'm also experimenting with a new offering called Build, basically handling the technical architecture, CMS side of things for studios & startups who need a build partner.
I’m developing a body of work for grad school. I’m reading more, I want to post more, and I want to write more. I want to be in community with other multi-hyphenate creative people, and I want to have more conversations with people who are navigating life changes and milestones.
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I design and build things for the web. Mostly bespoke commerce and microsites for brands across health and wellness. If you enjoyed this, subscribe below, or see more of my work at brianagude.com.
xoxo,
briana
